What do I look like? Does it matter?
May. 1st, 2013 04:02 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
jeshyrI'm cutting this whole post because it has discussions of my body image and weight and self-hatred and appearance. Please look after yourself.
Also there are photos of me, past and present.
This is what I looked like in the late 1990's, when I was in my mid 20's:
(Sorry no textual descriptions of the photos this time)
I love that photo. Of all the photos that have ever been taken of me, it's the one that most looks like I want to look, like my self-image thinks I look. I love that the photo is androgynous and I love my strength.
This photo is from approximately 2008. I like how I looked then, I had just lost about 25kg (~50 pounds) and I was pleased with myself. At the time I did not recognise how much eating-disordered behaviour I was exhibiting to manage that weight loss, I just felt proud of my self-control and inner strength (I was never diagnosable as specifically disordered, but if you look at the "warning signs" type lists I ticked almost all the boxes). Folks give you a *lot* of positive feedback when you're loosing weight too, and I liked that people did that and that they felt like I was strong and capable.
I also loved that I had some long hair, although most of my hair was still very short I had let one chunk around my left ear grow long and I liked how it looked and felt.
This is the photo I have been using as my "self" icon on most social media, etc., since 2008 when it was taken. Every time I see it now I feel a bit guilty because it doesn't look like I look now.
This is how I looked yesterday.
This is really hard for me. I don't like looking like this.
My weight is making me really unhappy, but I am working hard at being emotionally healthy and not being eating-disordered in my behaviour. I am also on several drugs (at least four) which have known side effects of weight gain, including oral steroids. I need the drugs at the moment, there's no option to stop them without getting a lot sicker. I try hard to prefer to be emotionally healthy and physically as healthy as possible; but honestly sometimes the idea of being sicker and psychologically messed up, but thin, does seem frighteningly appealing.
I had to cut my hair off just a week ago, too, so it's too short to even look "fluffy" at the moment - I think it'll look better in about a month when I have a half inch of hair.
I had a really nasty experience on the weekend where somebody treated me really badly, he literally refused to look at me or speak to me. I don't know for sure that it was because of my appearance - I don't have the guts to ask him actually - but it really really hurt me and because I feel like my appearance is so "unlovable" and he hadn't seen me since I'd got my hair cut off I feel like it was probably my appearance. Unfortunately it's somebody who has a lot of power in my life and not somebody who I have a reasonable option to stay away from, so I just have to be as tough as I can and try not to care if he thinks I'm so ugly he can't bear to look at me.
So ... yeah. I'm feeling pretty fragile, but I'm doing the best I can. I'm paying attention with my medical team to all the physical things that are under my control. I'm paying attention with my counsellor and friends to all the emotional things that are under my control.
I'm going OK really - I'm so much more emotionally stable than I was 10 years ago that it's hard to even compare! Just a few wobbles right now though, so be nice OK?
I showed that last photo to somebody this morning and she said, "You look like a person I'd really love to talk to!" which made my day. So I guess I'm fishing for compliments, if you can give them ... and just positiveness and support in general ... doesn't have to be about appearance, anything would be appreciated!
I love you all,
Ricky
Also there are photos of me, past and present.
This is what I looked like in the late 1990's, when I was in my mid 20's:
(Sorry no textual descriptions of the photos this time)
I love that photo. Of all the photos that have ever been taken of me, it's the one that most looks like I want to look, like my self-image thinks I look. I love that the photo is androgynous and I love my strength.
This photo is from approximately 2008. I like how I looked then, I had just lost about 25kg (~50 pounds) and I was pleased with myself. At the time I did not recognise how much eating-disordered behaviour I was exhibiting to manage that weight loss, I just felt proud of my self-control and inner strength (I was never diagnosable as specifically disordered, but if you look at the "warning signs" type lists I ticked almost all the boxes). Folks give you a *lot* of positive feedback when you're loosing weight too, and I liked that people did that and that they felt like I was strong and capable.
I also loved that I had some long hair, although most of my hair was still very short I had let one chunk around my left ear grow long and I liked how it looked and felt.
This is the photo I have been using as my "self" icon on most social media, etc., since 2008 when it was taken. Every time I see it now I feel a bit guilty because it doesn't look like I look now.
This is how I looked yesterday.
This is really hard for me. I don't like looking like this.
My weight is making me really unhappy, but I am working hard at being emotionally healthy and not being eating-disordered in my behaviour. I am also on several drugs (at least four) which have known side effects of weight gain, including oral steroids. I need the drugs at the moment, there's no option to stop them without getting a lot sicker. I try hard to prefer to be emotionally healthy and physically as healthy as possible; but honestly sometimes the idea of being sicker and psychologically messed up, but thin, does seem frighteningly appealing.
I had to cut my hair off just a week ago, too, so it's too short to even look "fluffy" at the moment - I think it'll look better in about a month when I have a half inch of hair.
I had a really nasty experience on the weekend where somebody treated me really badly, he literally refused to look at me or speak to me. I don't know for sure that it was because of my appearance - I don't have the guts to ask him actually - but it really really hurt me and because I feel like my appearance is so "unlovable" and he hadn't seen me since I'd got my hair cut off I feel like it was probably my appearance. Unfortunately it's somebody who has a lot of power in my life and not somebody who I have a reasonable option to stay away from, so I just have to be as tough as I can and try not to care if he thinks I'm so ugly he can't bear to look at me.
So ... yeah. I'm feeling pretty fragile, but I'm doing the best I can. I'm paying attention with my medical team to all the physical things that are under my control. I'm paying attention with my counsellor and friends to all the emotional things that are under my control.
I'm going OK really - I'm so much more emotionally stable than I was 10 years ago that it's hard to even compare! Just a few wobbles right now though, so be nice OK?
I showed that last photo to somebody this morning and she said, "You look like a person I'd really love to talk to!" which made my day. So I guess I'm fishing for compliments, if you can give them ... and just positiveness and support in general ... doesn't have to be about appearance, anything would be appreciated!
I love you all,
Ricky
no subject
Date: 2013-05-25 11:51 pm (UTC)