What do I look like? Does it matter?

[jeshyr]

I'm cutting this whole post because it has discussions of my body image and weight and self-hatred and appearance. Please look after yourself.

Also there are photos of me, past and present.



This is what I looked like in the late 1990's, when I was in my mid 20's:



(Sorry no textual descriptions of the photos this time)

I love that photo. Of all the photos that have ever been taken of me, it's the one that most looks like I want to look, like my self-image thinks I look. I love that the photo is androgynous and I love my strength.



This photo is from approximately 2008. I like how I looked then, I had just lost about 25kg (~50 pounds) and I was pleased with myself. At the time I did not recognise how much eating-disordered behaviour I was exhibiting to manage that weight loss, I just felt proud of my self-control and inner strength (I was never diagnosable as specifically disordered, but if you look at the "warning signs" type lists I ticked almost all the boxes). Folks give you a *lot* of positive feedback when you're loosing weight too, and I liked that people did that and that they felt like I was strong and capable.

I also loved that I had some long hair, although most of my hair was still very short I had let one chunk around my left ear grow long and I liked how it looked and felt.

This is the photo I have been using as my "self" icon on most social media, etc., since 2008 when it was taken. Every time I see it now I feel a bit guilty because it doesn't look like I look now.



This is how I looked yesterday.

This is really hard for me. I don't like looking like this.

My weight is making me really unhappy, but I am working hard at being emotionally healthy and not being eating-disordered in my behaviour. I am also on several drugs (at least four) which have known side effects of weight gain, including oral steroids. I need the drugs at the moment, there's no option to stop them without getting a lot sicker. I try hard to prefer to be emotionally healthy and physically as healthy as possible; but honestly sometimes the idea of being sicker and psychologically messed up, but thin, does seem frighteningly appealing.

I had to cut my hair off just a week ago, too, so it's too short to even look "fluffy" at the moment - I think it'll look better in about a month when I have a half inch of hair.


I had a really nasty experience on the weekend where somebody treated me really badly, he literally refused to look at me or speak to me. I don't know for sure that it was because of my appearance - I don't have the guts to ask him actually - but it really really hurt me and because I feel like my appearance is so "unlovable" and he hadn't seen me since I'd got my hair cut off I feel like it was probably my appearance. Unfortunately it's somebody who has a lot of power in my life and not somebody who I have a reasonable option to stay away from, so I just have to be as tough as I can and try not to care if he thinks I'm so ugly he can't bear to look at me.

So ... yeah. I'm feeling pretty fragile, but I'm doing the best I can. I'm paying attention with my medical team to all the physical things that are under my control. I'm paying attention with my counsellor and friends to all the emotional things that are under my control.

I'm going OK really - I'm so much more emotionally stable than I was 10 years ago that it's hard to even compare! Just a few wobbles right now though, so be nice OK?

I showed that last photo to somebody this morning and she said, "You look like a person I'd really love to talk to!" which made my day. So I guess I'm fishing for compliments, if you can give them ... and just positiveness and support in general ... doesn't have to be about appearance, anything would be appreciated!



I love you all,
Ricky

Comments

[azurelunatic]

♥

[vass]

I like your photo from yesterday. The shirt is a good colour for you, and it's also very you in general.

And... I don't know if this is going to come out hlepy or not, but you look healthier in the more recent picture. Not in a "time to invalidate however Ricky's actually feeling right now" way, but in a "there's more pink in your cheeks and you don't look as drawn and worn out, and I'm hoping that's true on the inside too" way.

[feyandstrange]

Oh my God, you are a HUMAN BEING. I was convinced all this time that you were a JACKRABBIT. I feel DECEIVED AND BETRAYED ELEVENTYONES.

...okay, silliness aside: sympathy for the double whammy of not being able to "control" your appearance because of disability-related issues. It really sucks that people slag on overweight folks in wheelchairs saying there's nothing "wrong" with them except that "they are fat" when in fact it's the wheelchair and health issues that make it difficult or impossible to manage one's body. It's just like disability to make everything harder, but sheesh, did it have to make body issues harder too?

Your expression is clever and observant and a little cheeky, and I like that. I'd totally hang out with you and talk for ages.

[shehasathree]

Love the shirt you're wearing in the yesterday-pic.
The you in all the pictures looks like someone I'd like to talk to, too. :)

[ashi]

You look like my beloved friend Ricky, and that's a good thing. <3 *hugs*

[dadi]

There is my beloved Ricky in ALL these pictures, and as much as some people may have not enough character or intelligence to see the essence behind the flesh, the YOU is more important than that. Your health is more important than that. I only have a glimmer of understanding of the difficulties you face every day, but having had to take steroids and anti-depressive medication over the last months, my body and face are not something I exhibit proudly these days, and I am battling with the temptation to simply starve myself until I look like something inside myself insists I should look. But the only way to feel halfway healthy is to eat sensibly.. and feel at home in one´s body, as much it might not feel as we think it should. For what it is worth, your eyes are so much more ALIVE in the last picture, and your colouring is that much healthier. Also, did you notice how your head in the first two pictures is always inclined forward..and in the last, it is held proudly straight. To me, that speaks a lot stronger than slimness, hair or whatever else. A strong, warm hug from far away dear Ricky.. and continue to cherish your health as you are doing, trying to not give too much importance to people who don´t deserve it!

[acelightning]

when i saw the "yesterday" picture, before i even read the text, i thought "she looks as if she's been taking high doses of steroids for a long time". that's a textbook "steroid face"; the fact that most of the puffiness is in the lower face and neck is a dead giveaway. and there's really nothing you can do about it, if you need the steroids for something important, like, say, staying alive. (i'd very much prefer it if you stayed alive, rather than getting too worried about your looks!)

i've always liked the picture of you in black, though; you look like a Zen martial artist. that's about the way you looked when i visited Australia (Oct 1998 and May 1999). but looks are only on the outside, and inside you're a stronger, healthier, saner person, and that makes me happy. i still miss hugging you, and you're still my favorite penguin :-)

the userpic of the Venus of Willendorf is to remind you that the very first human representation of Deity was a fat woman. you and i are Goddesses!

you are ricky, you are beautiful, and i love you.
*hugs*

[synecdochic]

*love love love love love*

[kaberett]

FWIW I looked at that last photo - at all of those photos - and thought "wow, you're amazing". So, you know, I think you are beautiful [used gender-neutrally] now, and I think you were then (both thens).

Plus? You make beautiful things with your hands and your brain and you are so kind and so supportive - and I am so delighted to know you. ♥

[jesse_the_k]

Repeating, but your balance and strength in the third picture is striking: you look like you know where your head and spine and shoulders are — and that's important knowledge!

Your eyes are lovely/lively in the second and third picture. You remind me of Aang in the first picture — where's the blue arrow?

I've also done the "not officially DXed eating disorder" when prompted by health practitioners. It's very tempting to feel like I have control over at least some part of my body: obsessing over every gram I ate for three years certainly fulfilled that need. Acknowledging that important meds, and sensible pacing, are also control over your body: perhaps more a gift to your body and your self.

♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥

[rainne]

If someone else doesn't like how you look, and feels that you are "so ugly he can't bear to look at you," that is actually an indication of things wrong with him, and not you.

And yes, I know that is very, very easy to say and very very hard to believe. But here. I hate having pictures of myself, but I will take one right now and show it to you. here so as not to break your page with a huge picture of me.

I have arrived at a mental place where my physical body is very close to being nonexistent for me. I don't know if this is healthy or whatever, but it works for me for now. I generally don't look in mirrors, and I generally don't take pictures of myself or let myself be in pictures, because this body is not me. I may be stuck inside this body, but it isn't me, it doesn't make me who I am. And it works for now.

If it helps, your physical body isn't you, either. You are inside of it, but it isn't what makes you the amazing person that you are. And you are amazing. So if that person in your life won't talk to you? That's HIS loss. I'll talk to you any day. ♥

[ysobel]

*all the love*

[worlds_of_smoke]

-hugs and love-

[sheramil]

i really can't recommend 'dealing with it' the way i did - hiding in my room and never going out, 'cause that isn't dealing with it. at that point you start to wonder if it needs to be dealt with at all.

--
Ootini!
- Some Jawa

[lacey]

You know, Ricky, you have that most important and lasting kind of beauty- inner beauty, and strength.

Everything you've done to help the community, the way you are always and without fail helpful and accommodating and inclusive and always, always working to move the needle forward and make things better for folks with disabilities, that takes a lot of intestinal fortitude, and a lot of strength. I can't think of anything more beautiful than that.

[(Anonymous)]

Hi Ricky,

I've never left a message for you before, but felt inclined. I'm just someone from the CFS world who has been reading your journal for years. I hope this comes across the way I intend it to: but I couldn't care less which one of those photos you look like, you're an inspiration!! To live with what you do everyday, to help the disabled community as much as you do with your limits is incredible. I'd never heard of, or thought of tech accessibilty until you spoke about it. I have many times been on a downer and read your journal to cheer myself up, because of your unfailing optimism and sense of humour. So basically screw anyone who doesn't get what an awesome person you are, all 3 of those photos are the same good person to me. Cheers

I've been through it too

[(Anonymous)]

Joey here from los angeles, like you I found a treatment that helped quite a bit; only thing was I lost a great deal of weight, and I am skinny to begin with; went from (I'm 6'3) 180 pounds to 150 for a while, but felt much much better with fibro and cfs; friends and girlfriend didnt GET IT!! Only my father got it thank God; after being harsh with them they came around a bit; and believe me you need to be harsh and defend your inherent right to feel the best you possibly can even if aesthetically you arent the same.

Oh and guess what? The look in your eyes is much brighter and more beautiful in the most recent photo.

[(Anonymous)]

Ricky, we've met online in various Facebook forums for some of the diseases we share. This is my first time reading your blog and I think you are awesome in photo 1,2 or 3. You are very strong and I admire you greatly

[(Anonymous)]

Oops sorry I didn't post who I was its Justine :)