Dreams

[jeshyr]

There's this dream ... Ever since I got sick I've dreamed it - twenty years of this same bloody dream. I dream that I'm with a group of friends but I can't keep up with them. They walk faster than I can, pulling away progressively, and I try as hard as I can to keep up ... But I can't speed up and I can't call out.

The details vary - sometimes it's high school friends, sometimes folk from university. Sometimes I can't open my mouth to speak, sometimes I can call out but there's no sound. It's like I'm struggling to move through treacle, or tar - I can, with utmost effort, move a little but I am left further and further behind. Having some ability to go forward though gives me the illusion that if I just tried hard enough I could somehow catch up.

Most times nobody looks back, sometimes someone looks back but they don't see me. They never seem to notice my absence - they never look for me or wait for me or come back for me.

Always I am left struggling, alone and unseen and unmissed.

I really hate that dream.


R

PS
I *am* fine.

Well ok, I am maudlin tonight but probably because I'm so physically and emotionally exhausted right now - that's pretty standard for me. I'll feel better in the morning after a hopefully decent nights sleep. There's nothing wrong or anything so don't panic ok?

Comments

[acelightning]

ugh. that happens to me in "real life" far too often. if i'm walking with a bunch of people - even only two or three other people - they all walk just slightly faster than i can, and very shortly they're all ahead of me. i force myself to walk faster, which quickly puts me out of breath, so that i can't call out loudly enough for them to hear me. usually, one of them will eventually realize i'm not with them, look around, and see me huffing and puffing along in the distance. that person then tells everyone else to stop and wait for me. i try to walk even faster to catch up, so as not to keep them waiting, which of course leaves me exhausted, overheated, and gasping for air by the time i get there, and they all have to wait even longer while i catch my breath. and i feel ashamed of myself for being so fat, old, and lazy that i don't deserve to socialize with people who are fit and energetic. and the fact that they make a big point of being patient with me (once they realize i'm lagging behind) just makes me more ashamed.

but sometimes nobody notices that i'm being left behind, and they just keep going. at that point i stop, and don't bother trying to catch up, because it's clear that they don't care anyway.

[jesse_the_k]

Oh I'm so sorry about that dream. Yuck.

Another reason I love my wheelchair — I can outrun most city buses, not to mention pedestrians.

[sheramil]

> Most times nobody looks back

if you could, you'd see your real friends. pushing your wheelchair.

[jeshyr]

THAT is the best mental image in the world.

What an awesome thought. Thank you :)

[jeshyr]

Me tooooo! Wheelchairs rock so much :)

I <3 my powerchair.

[jeshyr]

Good lord, how unbelievably rude of them!! That makes me want to "accidentally" run my wheelchair into many people's kneecaps on your behalf :(

Being left behind sucks. Being ashamed sucks. Feeling unloved and/or unlovable sucks a ton. :(

You deserve to socialise with people who care enough to slow down to a speed that's comfortable for everybody in the group, whatever that speed is, and people who don't shame you by word or deed or omission. You and me can be old and fat together :)

Love you, babe. <3

[acelightning]

well, almost all the people i socialize with in "real life" do genuinely care, and although they get ahead of me more or less by accident, as soon as someone notices, they all make a big effort to be understanding and kind, and wait for me, and then progress at a slower pace. i know they're all sincerely trying to be good to me and include me, and that none of them would ever dream of being condescending, or want to make me feel ashamed and worthless. i've even mentioned to a few of them that i do, nevertheless, feel that way, which gets me a whole lot of hugs and reassurances. trouble is, my subconscious refuses to believe that i deserve their kindness :-(

(and you ain't old, luv - i'm "66 going on 666")

*lots of hugs*

[acelightning]

what a wonderful, sweet thought!