Control

[jeshyr]

Two doctors in the past fortnight have said to me there's nothing else they can do to help me. They were nice about it, but just out of ideas.

Last week almost an entire tree was unnecessarily and uselessly cut from right beside my bedroom (back) window because the roofing contractors thought I wouldn’t care if they completely changed the view from outside my window for no reason and without even asking or notifying me. Now I can't lie in my bed and stare through the dappled shade because there's no dappled shade left and the sky is very bright so I can't lie on my bed and rest without curtains closed or eye mask on.

Today there’s a neighbour from upstairs very very carefully cutting away every teeny bit of the bottlebrush (that I’ve grown) that extends even 1cm over the edge of the concrete driveway on the side where his car is. This is not plant that’s in any rational danger of actually touching his car and it’s soft leafy bottlebrush tips so it wouldn’t hurt anything even if it did touch his car... the tips are over half a metre away from his car, mostly. I asked him to toss the cut bits back in the garden if he didn't want them, which he did do at least. I know he has mental health issues of some kind (he's a hoarder) and I don't want to make him feel bad, and also I don't want to make the neighbours upset when I have to live here with them, so I shut up after that.

I basically feel like the universe is jumping up and down on me and screaming "YOU HAVE NO CONTROL" and laughing in a very unfriendly fashion.

I hate feeling like I can't change anything no matter how hard I try. And I hate that I know it's mostly a psychological thing and I have in the past found contentment despite external stuff being crappy ... so my emotions end up feeling like just one MORE thing I can't control which is a bit positive-feedback-loop-ish :(

Universe, give me a break OK?

Comments

Control

[(Anonymous)]

...the wisdom to know the difference grant me the strength to change the things I can, the serenity to accept the things I can't change and the wisdom to know the difference. grant me the wisdom to know the difference – but how hard it is to accept that there is so much I can't change; how hard to achieve so little, yet to accept that so little is my all. how hard to believe that I'm doing my best, when my best changes nothing; to believe that I have the strength to change all I can and use all of that strength every day; how hard to believe that all that I do change each day – and all I can change – are one and the same. and how hard to accept that, using all of my strength to change all that I can, I use up my strength yet nought is changed. grant me the wisdom to know the difference ...the wisdom to know the difference... please, grant me the serenity to accept that, while nothing seems to change, I did my best and still I do. 15 December 1995 Richard Smallfield

[dragonsally]

I'd be wrecked for weeks if someone did that to the greenery outside my window, I'm sorry its all making you feel like you have no control.

[mathsnerd]

I hate feeling like I have no control. It's all triggery for me. I'm sorry you're in a situation where you feel like that. *hugs and love*

[dadi]

Ugh. That definitely is too much stuff messing with you :( I am so sorry.. and yes, I cry every time when somebody cuts down trees or other plants which are part of my "universe", even if I see them a lot less often than you do! Warm hugs..... <3

[jesse_the_k]

That's just wrong. Also psychological pain is just as cutting as physical. Life in your head is just as important and valid as life in the rest of your body.

Window leaf decals? Sheer curtains with leaf patterns?