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Two doctors in the past fortnight have said to me there's nothing else they can do to help me. They were nice about it, but just out of ideas.
Last week almost an entire tree was unnecessarily and uselessly cut from right beside my bedroom (back) window because the roofing contractors thought I wouldn’t care if they completely changed the view from outside my window for no reason and without even asking or notifying me. Now I can't lie in my bed and stare through the dappled shade because there's no dappled shade left and the sky is very bright so I can't lie on my bed and rest without curtains closed or eye mask on.
Today there’s a neighbour from upstairs very very carefully cutting away every teeny bit of the bottlebrush (that I’ve grown) that extends even 1cm over the edge of the concrete driveway on the side where his car is. This is not plant that’s in any rational danger of actually touching his car and it’s soft leafy bottlebrush tips so it wouldn’t hurt anything even if it did touch his car... the tips are over half a metre away from his car, mostly. I asked him to toss the cut bits back in the garden if he didn't want them, which he did do at least. I know he has mental health issues of some kind (he's a hoarder) and I don't want to make him feel bad, and also I don't want to make the neighbours upset when I have to live here with them, so I shut up after that.
I basically feel like the universe is jumping up and down on me and screaming "YOU HAVE NO CONTROL" and laughing in a very unfriendly fashion.
I hate feeling like I can't change anything no matter how hard I try. And I hate that I know it's mostly a psychological thing and I have in the past found contentment despite external stuff being crappy ... so my emotions end up feeling like just one MORE thing I can't control which is a bit positive-feedback-loop-ish :(
Universe, give me a break OK?
Last week almost an entire tree was unnecessarily and uselessly cut from right beside my bedroom (back) window because the roofing contractors thought I wouldn’t care if they completely changed the view from outside my window for no reason and without even asking or notifying me. Now I can't lie in my bed and stare through the dappled shade because there's no dappled shade left and the sky is very bright so I can't lie on my bed and rest without curtains closed or eye mask on.
Today there’s a neighbour from upstairs very very carefully cutting away every teeny bit of the bottlebrush (that I’ve grown) that extends even 1cm over the edge of the concrete driveway on the side where his car is. This is not plant that’s in any rational danger of actually touching his car and it’s soft leafy bottlebrush tips so it wouldn’t hurt anything even if it did touch his car... the tips are over half a metre away from his car, mostly. I asked him to toss the cut bits back in the garden if he didn't want them, which he did do at least. I know he has mental health issues of some kind (he's a hoarder) and I don't want to make him feel bad, and also I don't want to make the neighbours upset when I have to live here with them, so I shut up after that.
I basically feel like the universe is jumping up and down on me and screaming "YOU HAVE NO CONTROL" and laughing in a very unfriendly fashion.
I hate feeling like I can't change anything no matter how hard I try. And I hate that I know it's mostly a psychological thing and I have in the past found contentment despite external stuff being crappy ... so my emotions end up feeling like just one MORE thing I can't control which is a bit positive-feedback-loop-ish :(
Universe, give me a break OK?
