Dreams

There's this dream ... Ever since I got sick I've dreamed it - twenty years of this same bloody dream. I dream that I'm with a group of friends but I can't keep up with them. They walk faster than I can, pulling away progressively, and I try as hard as I can to keep up ... But I can't speed up and I can't call out.

The details vary - sometimes it's high school friends, sometimes folk from university. Sometimes I can't open my mouth to speak, sometimes I can call out but there's no sound. It's like I'm struggling to move through treacle, or tar - I can, with utmost effort, move a little but I am left further and further behind. Having some ability to go forward though gives me the illusion that if I just tried hard enough I could somehow catch up.

Most times nobody looks back, sometimes someone looks back but they don't see me. They never seem to notice my absence - they never look for me or wait for me or come back for me.

Always I am left struggling, alone and unseen and unmissed.

I really hate that dream.


R

PS
I *am* fine.

Well ok, I am maudlin tonight but probably because I'm so physically and emotionally exhausted right now - that's pretty standard for me. I'll feel better in the morning after a hopefully decent nights sleep. There's nothing wrong or anything so don't panic ok?

Health/Medical Update

Hiya Folks,

So, I went back to the exercise-prescribing doc yesterday and showed her my graph of disappointing results showing that I'd done exactly what she'd asked and it hadn't worked. I took my flatmate along, despite her only having flown back to Australia less than 12 hours before she was happy to come and be moral support and hold my hand while I panicked because having to tell a doctor their pet theory doesn't work on you can be scary and dangerous.

To my IMMENSE relief, the doctor looked at the graph and asked me only a few questions and basically agreed that it wasn't working. I told her my plan, which was basically to drop the exercise down to a level where it wasn't impairing my quality of life (I'm guessing 1/3 to 1/2 of the existing level) but continue to try to do some of it, and she agreed that it seemed like the way to go and that there was pretty much no point in me seeing her again.

So yeah. That was both a huge relief and anti-climactic ... and also sort of disappointing, because no matter how much I know intellectually it's unrealistic and unlikely I always have a teeny sliver of hope that a medical person will have another new thing to try and it'll help.

r